245 Hours and Counting...

In the past 5 weeks that I've been back since I went on vacation – I have worked almost 245 hours. Last pay period I worked just over 115 hours – I got paid for all of my hours but they didn't pay me my 24 hours of overtime, I got 4 of my hours. I called them and they said my 20 hours would be on my next paycheck. All I have to say is, it better. This pay period I've worked a 103 hours – 23 of which have been overtime. Which means that this pay check should have 43 hours of overtime and 103 hours of straight time. And if it doesn't I am seriously tempted to just walk out the door and not come back.

The problem is that for the past four weeks I have done the majority of the visits because the other full-time aid hasn't come back yet and the new people we hired haven't started yet. The VP has been pushing continuity of care – at first I didn't understand why that was so important but after four weeks of seeing the same people I understand. But it's produced some interesting results.

Namely – I am so tired, so frustrated, so overworked, so overwhelmed and so tired of all the crap that's been going on at the office. The migraines have not been nearly as frequent and my stomach hasn't been tied in nearly as many knots. And my appetite hasn't been the same. Mainly because I got a blessing from my bishop four weeks ago and I've been calm ever since – incredibly stressed out and tired but calm, it's very strange.

What they're looking for is career CNA's – which I think is utterly ridiculous, especially for what they're paying us and how they're treating us, they don't want any of us in school or to have a life outside of hospice. At the very least it's not nice – but I guess they don't really care about that. There has been one CNA who wants to help me with my visits and who has the time to do so – the rest just don't know what's going on because they're in school full-time and are oblivious to all the drama. But – I'm hesitant to let her do so because I know how the VP and DCS feel about her, even though they have not told her directly to her face though everybody, including her, know – stuff that should be private, isn't – it's very strange. But the main reason why I'm not letting her help me is because she shouldn't have to put up with all the crap that I'm putting up with when I can still put up with it. Her school load is heavier than mine and she has other responsibilities – I see no reason to inflict this kind of crap on anyone else when I can deal with it.

But I'm not – I'm not handling it well at all – I was but not anymore. It's gone on too long. A quote from a book is coming to mind - “It's too much for you, isn't it?” Thankfully though I think there's a light at the end of the tunnel – I'm training a new CNA next week and hopefully, it'll get better. The thing is, the CNA who was out on R&R is coming back next week, in theory, and I'm training the new full-time CNA and the new part-time CNA next week – there won't be enough work for us all, they're counting on our census going dramatically up and I am prepared to bet almost anything, that it won't. Which means, either that we're all going to be sitting around the office twiddling our thumbs, they're going to fire some of us or change our status to PRN and not give us any visits – which is almost the same thing.

This week has just been emotionally trying because I've been working 8-13 hour days with the same patients that I've been seeing for the last four weeks and two of them are on their way out the door and eight have died in the last four weeks. I had the opportunity today to talk to my old boss about it – it was great, he just listened to me, which is what I needed – I don't want anyone to solve my problems I just want people to listen and pretend they care for a moment. He asked me why I was taking the patients passing so hard right now, if it'd always been that way or what. Every patient who dies affects you in some way, depending on how close you were, some more than others – right now it's just the combination of multiple things all at the same time but due partly to overworking and continuity of care – I'm the only one that's been seeing the vast majority of these people. And the other thing is when they're screaming in pain, and calling out for their dead husband, for this to just be over, and they start hallucinating and getting very delusional due to lack of sleep, and they won't take their medicine because they're too anxious and they can't calm down enough to take it – it starts to get to you after a while. Some pass away quickly and quietly and for others it's just dragged out for forever and they're in so much pain and there's not a thing you can do about it or to help them – other than to pray that they die, which seems so inappropriate.

My old boss wouldn't have let me work this much though – he would have found a way to get our other CNA back or circumvented the VP and DCS' dislike of the other CNA and given some of my visits to her anyway. Maybe I just should have been telling them no all along but when my old boss was here, I didn't care – I enjoyed everything about my job. Now – not so much. Now I mind. A price has to be paid – before it was worth it, mainly because I knew what the expectation was. Now I don't know if I want to pay the price – because they've changed all the rules without telling us and I don't know what it is.

My patients are so incredibly sweet though – not when they're calling me names or screaming but when they're not doing that, they're sweet. They're so starved for attention and love, I just want to help them so much – they fill a void in my life and give me purpose. Just some days are harder than others.